Well its been a while since I last posted
and soooooooo much has happened !!!
Some things are good some things bad somethings well lets see what you think
.......
.......
so where to start ......
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Ok, lets start at the beginning and follow things through,
well, after May I started feeling very poorly with one thing and a few others
my body was hurting and my brain was spiraling out of control, there seemed no end to the problems in my life, Things with my mother were rocky after I was unable to attend her birthday, I had made all the decorations and invites, I wanted to be there but hubby had hurt himself the day before and because I wasn't doing well I couldn't risk going out without him, especially into the forefront of the problem makers where my mother was concerned, but alas my mother saw that as me being funny but we continued to talk and I tried my hardest to get her to see how my life is and how things affect my body and mental well being.
I found out that I needed further surgery in June after my failed previous surgeries which I delayed until after my birthday as it was a big one.(I'll tell you more about that a bit later)
The biggest problem I have is when the shit hits the fan its never just one thing its lots of things all at once!
My left arm began loosing strength and I began to swell up every where I look/(ed) like the michelin man !!!!
Swollen ankles ,legs, hands and arms are just not very fetching ! Cankles during the hot season enough to make any self respecting woman feel sick ! My head being its normal self went into self hate mode and dragged me down a deep dark hole that seemed to have no bottom and I just kept going down this hole. Anyone who knows me knows this is a very bad cycle for me to get in as the physical affects the emotional which in turn makes the physical worse and this awful cycle just keeps going round until I eventually hit rock bottom with all that entails.
I often try to remember the song my head reminds me of has something to do with circles in the mind I heard it when I was a child and it made me think of my own mind even back then.
August quickly crept up on me and my birthday, turning 40 just scared the life out of me would things change ? would I ever manage to get back to who I once was ? those questions were soon answered but in ways I was really not prepared for !!
Most of August was filled with hospital and drs appointments trying to find the answers to my swelling up, getting all the necessary pre op's done and watching my father-in-law (Dad) fighting his own health battles !
For a while I was able to focus on Dad rather myself and that although not good for him was good for me as it stopped me going to far down that chasm into which I had been falling. I needed to be strong for Mum(mum-in-law) and for Dad !
After 2 surgeries we knew what were facing with Dad and could finally sigh with a little relief although not good it was all manageable and that made me think of my own past and how far I had come in my life. A week before my birthday I put up a post on my personal facebook account.
I broke my own golden rule I told those I know my life story
I have always lived by the rule "if they don't know they can't use it against me" but in that moment I felt different, many of those that knew me were shocked by the information I had put on there but there was one thing I hadn't counted on was wahat happened next!
The post went up on the Saturday and many friends had liked/ commented on the post and I had felt at ease with what I had put like a weight had been somehow lifted in a way I had thanked those that had been there for me in my life my mother being one of them and I had tagged her so that I knew she would see it . I just wished now I hadn't for all the upset and hurt that it has caused me!
I had been shooting both the Saturday and the Sunday with my youngest brother and it wasn't until we came in from Archery on the Sunday did I know there was even a problem or the path that this was about to take me.
My mothers friend who I refuse to have on my friends list due to the the trouble she causes had commented on my post as I had tagged my mother in it and was arguing and causing problems with my eldest daughter the 1st I knew of this was a simultaneous text from mother having a go at me and a comment from my brother telling me my daughter was arguing with the woman on facebook......
This is where even now I cannot get my head round what happened but Ill explain as best I can what happened so please bare with me as I just dont get what happened
In stead of texting mother back I did what I would normally do which is ring her to find out what was wrong at the same time I was booting up my computer to see what my brother was going on about I fully expected to see my daughter arguing on her own page with this woman but what I was confronted with both on the phone and on my screen totally blindsided me
They were arguing on MY POST !!
My mother was shouting down the phone at me about how she did not need all this upset
and all I could say was "why is ****** commenting on my post?"
I was at a loss for words my post that had been about celebrating my 40th birthday was now a battle field but why I do not know
I had posted what had been going on at every milestone birthday I had had in the past and passed comment about my ex inlaws that always start shit on my birthday.
I tried to talk to my mother who was shouting down the phone at me by this time I asked why she was talking this woman's side yet again over her own family (this has been the case for many years) and trying to work out how this woman had actually managed to put comments on my post. As I was looking at what was going on I tried to put a stop to the argument but as I was by this time frustrated I was less than tactful.....
All the while I was on the phone to my mother who was shouting at me more and more and I kept saying the same things "tell her (meaning the woman)to get off my post" and "stop keep taking their side all the time" then all of a sudden my mother actually started screaming at me down the phone it was at this point I saw red and shouted down the phone at her telling her I knew that she was going to a family member of the woman causing the troubles party on the same night as my party and that she was a less than perfect mother to me and my brothers this lasted less that a minute as I clicked into why am I arguing with her I had done nothing wrong and this was only serving to make me ill and put the phone down on her to end the shouting and allow people to cool off.
Within minutes the texts and nasty posts on facebook started up again but the one that has stuck with me is the text from my mother over my birthday and the post by this woman regarding my birthday
I hadn't been wrong my mother felt that attending a friends birthday party was more important than her own daughters 40th birthday ..................
All the old wounds I had thought had healed were painfully and irrevocably ripped open.
I will not sit here and say I did not at this point not lash out verbally as I did as anyone would have and lashed out in pain. Not something I'm particularly proud of but wont deny that happened.
Words can hurt as much as as a physical beating
So choose your words wisely
I buried myself in birthday preparations drowning out the emotional and mental pain in the complete chaos of the final preparations of my birthday.
My birthday arrived as did the day of my party and all I can say is thank you to my hubby, daughters, family and friends for making my 40th birthday so special but alas it was not to include my mother.
I later found out that she had unfriended me on facebook but sent gifts with the elder of my 2 brothers for me which I text her and thanked her for and tried to open the channels for us to talk but again she was uninterested and failed to reply to my last message.
After my birthday was totally chaotic in every way !
Lets try and break down in simple terms what happened between the 22nd August and today the 18th September
* there was a big panic between the hospital and GP over my white cell count
* I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis (finally after a year of speculation by different Dr's)
*I had major surgery that had a very high chance of going spectacularly wrong (even the consultant thought the best outcome would be a stay in ICU for a few weeks after)
* I moved house
So as you can see I have had very little time to think let alone blog
and just so you know
after over 4 hours in surgery I was up and out of bed the next day and never saw the inside of the ICU thanks to the hard work of my consultant and my sheer pig headed stubbornness that I wasn't going to lay in bed feeling sorry for myself
I shall tell you all about my new house in my next blog
but for now Good night and thank you for reading
Love
Kayla xxxx
The biggest problem I have is when the shit hits the fan its never just one thing its lots of things all at once!
My left arm began loosing strength and I began to swell up every where I look/(ed) like the michelin man !!!!
Swollen ankles ,legs, hands and arms are just not very fetching ! Cankles during the hot season enough to make any self respecting woman feel sick ! My head being its normal self went into self hate mode and dragged me down a deep dark hole that seemed to have no bottom and I just kept going down this hole. Anyone who knows me knows this is a very bad cycle for me to get in as the physical affects the emotional which in turn makes the physical worse and this awful cycle just keeps going round until I eventually hit rock bottom with all that entails.
I often try to remember the song my head reminds me of has something to do with circles in the mind I heard it when I was a child and it made me think of my own mind even back then.
August quickly crept up on me and my birthday, turning 40 just scared the life out of me would things change ? would I ever manage to get back to who I once was ? those questions were soon answered but in ways I was really not prepared for !!
Most of August was filled with hospital and drs appointments trying to find the answers to my swelling up, getting all the necessary pre op's done and watching my father-in-law (Dad) fighting his own health battles !
For a while I was able to focus on Dad rather myself and that although not good for him was good for me as it stopped me going to far down that chasm into which I had been falling. I needed to be strong for Mum(mum-in-law) and for Dad !
After 2 surgeries we knew what were facing with Dad and could finally sigh with a little relief although not good it was all manageable and that made me think of my own past and how far I had come in my life. A week before my birthday I put up a post on my personal facebook account.
I broke my own golden rule I told those I know my life story
I have always lived by the rule "if they don't know they can't use it against me" but in that moment I felt different, many of those that knew me were shocked by the information I had put on there but there was one thing I hadn't counted on was wahat happened next!
The post went up on the Saturday and many friends had liked/ commented on the post and I had felt at ease with what I had put like a weight had been somehow lifted in a way I had thanked those that had been there for me in my life my mother being one of them and I had tagged her so that I knew she would see it . I just wished now I hadn't for all the upset and hurt that it has caused me!
I had been shooting both the Saturday and the Sunday with my youngest brother and it wasn't until we came in from Archery on the Sunday did I know there was even a problem or the path that this was about to take me.
My mothers friend who I refuse to have on my friends list due to the the trouble she causes had commented on my post as I had tagged my mother in it and was arguing and causing problems with my eldest daughter the 1st I knew of this was a simultaneous text from mother having a go at me and a comment from my brother telling me my daughter was arguing with the woman on facebook......
This is where even now I cannot get my head round what happened but Ill explain as best I can what happened so please bare with me as I just dont get what happened
In stead of texting mother back I did what I would normally do which is ring her to find out what was wrong at the same time I was booting up my computer to see what my brother was going on about I fully expected to see my daughter arguing on her own page with this woman but what I was confronted with both on the phone and on my screen totally blindsided me
They were arguing on MY POST !!
My mother was shouting down the phone at me about how she did not need all this upset
and all I could say was "why is ****** commenting on my post?"
I was at a loss for words my post that had been about celebrating my 40th birthday was now a battle field but why I do not know
I had posted what had been going on at every milestone birthday I had had in the past and passed comment about my ex inlaws that always start shit on my birthday.
I tried to talk to my mother who was shouting down the phone at me by this time I asked why she was talking this woman's side yet again over her own family (this has been the case for many years) and trying to work out how this woman had actually managed to put comments on my post. As I was looking at what was going on I tried to put a stop to the argument but as I was by this time frustrated I was less than tactful.....
All the while I was on the phone to my mother who was shouting at me more and more and I kept saying the same things "tell her (meaning the woman)to get off my post" and "stop keep taking their side all the time" then all of a sudden my mother actually started screaming at me down the phone it was at this point I saw red and shouted down the phone at her telling her I knew that she was going to a family member of the woman causing the troubles party on the same night as my party and that she was a less than perfect mother to me and my brothers this lasted less that a minute as I clicked into why am I arguing with her I had done nothing wrong and this was only serving to make me ill and put the phone down on her to end the shouting and allow people to cool off.
Within minutes the texts and nasty posts on facebook started up again but the one that has stuck with me is the text from my mother over my birthday and the post by this woman regarding my birthday
I hadn't been wrong my mother felt that attending a friends birthday party was more important than her own daughters 40th birthday ..................
All the old wounds I had thought had healed were painfully and irrevocably ripped open.
I will not sit here and say I did not at this point not lash out verbally as I did as anyone would have and lashed out in pain. Not something I'm particularly proud of but wont deny that happened.
Words can hurt as much as as a physical beating
So choose your words wisely
My birthday arrived as did the day of my party and all I can say is thank you to my hubby, daughters, family and friends for making my 40th birthday so special but alas it was not to include my mother.
I later found out that she had unfriended me on facebook but sent gifts with the elder of my 2 brothers for me which I text her and thanked her for and tried to open the channels for us to talk but again she was uninterested and failed to reply to my last message.
After my birthday was totally chaotic in every way !
Lets try and break down in simple terms what happened between the 22nd August and today the 18th September
* there was a big panic between the hospital and GP over my white cell count
* I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis (finally after a year of speculation by different Dr's)
*I had major surgery that had a very high chance of going spectacularly wrong (even the consultant thought the best outcome would be a stay in ICU for a few weeks after)
* I moved house
So as you can see I have had very little time to think let alone blog
and just so you know
after over 4 hours in surgery I was up and out of bed the next day and never saw the inside of the ICU thanks to the hard work of my consultant and my sheer pig headed stubbornness that I wasn't going to lay in bed feeling sorry for myself
I shall tell you all about my new house in my next blog
but for now Good night and thank you for reading
Love
Kayla xxxx
You are a very strong beautiful woman and we love you loads !! xxx
ReplyDeletethank you dee xxx
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