I wonder if you still blame me

My heart hurts 

a nagging worry in my mind 

this is not a blog for those that have triggers please bear that in mind 

There are days that my past lays heavy on my mind

I cannot always find the right words to put how I feel or explain what is going on 

I have always known that I am blamed for what happened 

I was called a liar until he admitted it 

I am ousted from your life 

I try and fix the cracks but you hate me all the same 

although you will never admit it 

you said it once while you were drunk 

you blame me 

it was my fault 

but I was just a child 

I never stole him 

I never led him on 

I hated it 

I hated him 

I wanted to end my life 

but I knew I had to protect them 

as I knew you wouldn't 

you didn't protect me 

I tried to make up excuses for you 

like you didn't know ... 

but you watched him beat me and throw me around the house 

and when he told you go you went 

and you left me to the worst of him 

how could you not know ?

I've never put it into words 

I have never let you see 

that your words and actions have hurt me 

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME 

but yet I know 

and so do they 

we mean nothing to you 

neither do our babes 

I am sick of making excuses for you 

THIS is the bed you have made

I'm sick of broken promises

of fixing their heartaches

you have fucked up just as much as him 

let face it 

you hurt the innocent 

and then rub it in their face

well now I turn my back on you 

and I'll protect the babes

Lay upon this bed you have made 

and I shall be an 

Orphan