AGHHHHH make my head stop

If there was ever a time my life felt normal I would love to remember when .. 

My earliest memories are not the most pleasant,

my late teens were an alcohol fueled chaos 

my  early 20's saw the birth of my children but also a very unhappy marriage 

which had many lows and not very many highs.

When I met my current husband the years of damage caused by others 

has made everyday life lets just say a little tricky.

Now in my last few months of my 30's I can't help but wonder was I always destined to feel like this. 

I often joke that I would hate to be normal but in actual fact I would love to have some resemblance of 

what most would call a normal life.

The truth of the matter is what is normal ?

Is what I think life should be like actually normal  ? 

or am I looking for an easy way out of how I feel ?

No one can actually say what normal is 

what is normal for one person may not be normal for another 

There are so many varying factors 

As children we believe that our lives are normal as that is all we know. 

I believed that my childhood and the way I was treated was normal until I was about 8 or 9 

Then I was watching casualty on the television with my whole family and the story line was about abuse 

and my abuser actually sat there and said that bastard is sick !!! 

It was then and only then I realised that something wasn't right. 

I had been abused for as long as I could remember and I remember quite a long way back! 

My own memories take me back to when I was about 2 or 3 year old I know it wasn't the 1st time 

but how long it had been going on beforehand I have no idea. 

This is where I find myself questioning if I was destined to feel this way looking for an

impossible dream 

NORMALITY 

At 17 years old I managed to walk away from my abuser only

to find that life was worse after I spoke up 

I was alone 

hated 

scared

things I had felt whilst being abused

So to drown out my feelings I began drinking I had a job which I earned well from so I could 

afford to pay my bills and drink 

Nobody paid any attention others needed help more than me 

or so I was told

Then I found out I was pregnant.

Things began to change then I was not going to let me child feel like I did ever 

but I knew I had conceived her with the wrong person I didn't love him.

Unfortunately at 19 years old I was naive and was bullied firstly into the relationship and then into marriage.

Things were never great in my marriage I am pretty sure neither of us ever wanted to together,

but both scared of the threats we had received from those that should have protected us along with the 

feeling of having to do right by our daughter we got married none the less. 

Our marriage quickly turned and went sour violent fights erupted regularly with constant put downs things were the way they had always been for me. 

My next 3 daughters came along quickly one after the other

but I had grown wiser and would no longer tolerate things the way they were.

The end came after 5 short years of marriage when I kicked him out after an incident involving my eldest daughter being kicked by him. 

I quickly turned to revenge using the one thing I knew would upset him sex and moving on. 

rather than letting people use me I used them. this phase didnt last long  

as it made me feel worse than I already did but eventually I found a way forward and began to settle down. 

I made a home for myself pouring all my energies into being a good mum. 

I still partied hard but not like I had in the past. 

I met Hubby who I have to say has helped me so much 

he has helped me face many of my demons 

Talking about my past being one of them.

Helping me face the health issue my past has caused 

building me up to face my insecurities 

never questioning me when I slip back into them 

he has pulled me back from my internal darkness when all has seemed lost on so many occasions. 

Yet still here I am whirling lost in my own head 

feeling alone 

scared of my 

past. present and future.

longing for something I don't even know exists.  

What do I even want ?

I can't even tell you 

I just know I am stuck on my island 

alone confused scared and 

feeling LOST