Moving Forward

It would seem that in this house Monday this week was all about addressing mental health issues

there are times that every one feels a little down and fed up, but when that feeling goes from days to weeks to months and then years you have to admit to yourself that no matter how much you wear that mask of happiness and cheer you need HELP ! 

In some cases people address the problem quickly and get the help they need within a few weeks/ months of them realising that they are in need of medical help to shift the issue
 

As for me I have spent the best part of my life fighting a battle I had no chance of winning.

As a child my fights were physical as well as mental and they have left scars not only on my body but on my mind as well. At 17 I managed to get away from the physical abuse and over time the external wounds healed and left tiny scars but internally the emotional and mental scars were still open and screaming for attention.
 

In my case as in many peoples I was told to "get over it" , "move on" "forget about it , its over" but for those that didn't go through what I went through they had no idea of the damage that had been done, every time I tried to reach out to some members of my family I was shut down before I could say what was on my mind, eventually I spoke to my GP who put me on anti depressants which gave me chance to learn to bury the bad feelings deep inside and wear a mask of happiness which made others feel better..... but led me to where I am today 22 years later an emotional mess.

No matter how much I buried my past and my feelings I could never stop my past plaguing my dreams. I call them dreams but they are more like nightmares where I go over different parts of my past sometimes as the girl I was other times as the adult I am now but unlike normal dreams I can still smell, taste and feel what had occurred even when I wake up. Vivid doesn't cover the way I would describe these dreams I would say its more like travelling back in time and going through  the events again but nothing changes no matter how much I fight how much I plead or beg its as if I'm stuck on permanent loop. For many years it was only when I slept but eventually these "dreams" caught up with me when I was awake maybe because as the years passed I slept less and less due to the dreams and the fear of them that kept me awake I hadn't been a good sleeper before as my body was used to waking up in the middle of the night every night for several hours from a very young age and this pattern remained in my late teens after I got away from the cause after that dreams and fear kept me awake eventually leaving me where I am today sleeping 1- 2 hours a night if lucky until my body crashes and throws me into a deep exhausted sleep that not even my dreams can wake me from every 6 or so months.

Unfortunately no matter how long I sleep be it 1-2 hours or 12 hours I can't escape the dreams they happen continually my children have grown up knowing that their mum screams and cries in her sleep fighting with unseen assailants normally waking shaking and sweating unable to talk to them to explain to them why.

My past no matter how much I have tried to forget it, move on and bury it deep within me is still a very big part of who I am today. In many ways it has made me the caring and loving person I have become who treasures all things big and small in life I'm not saying that I am the perfect angel I'm far from it I have many faults and flaws which I never hide I am the typical take me as I am kind of person as I don't feel I should change to suit anybody else.

There is however a darker side that has always marred my ability to keep a level head,
this is the sadness, sorrow and pain, an eternal feeling of loss for something I can not quite explain, and the darkness that swamps all that is good in my life causing me to worry about

everything and anything.

 

This is how my life has been but I have had the doctor changing the antidepressants that I have been taking sometime making them stronger sometimes changing them but never addressing the problems that make me feel this way. Just the chemical imbalance that causes depression they didn't help me manage what had happened they just kept giving me pills until I left them alone for a while but only to return when the pills no longer worked.

 

After I divorced my first husband I never felt any loss as I never loved him he was just the man I married because I was told to do so while I was still to young and damaged to know any different, my mental health actually improved as I was away from a situation I was never comfortable with and I met my current Husband, who I chose to marry as I knew very early on he was the only man I would ever truly love and trust. He spoke to me about everything wanting to know my past be my present and plan with me a future where we would be happy.

For the first time I felt free and much of the darkness lifted for a few years, the dreams never stopped but my hubby was my knight in shining armour waking me and protecting me from those dreams he was fighting my demons for me the 1st time in my life I felt that I was not alone or contaminated.

 

As they years went on we had times of stress as every family does which caused the darkness to creep in but hubby never judged just told me when it was time to go back to the doctors and tell them things were bad and they would up my pills until I was coping better when they would wean me back down to a lower dose.

 

This is how we continued until the beginning of February 2012 when my life came crashing down around me and I collapsed, my legs had given up on me having been told my arthritis was playing up causing me all the pain I had been experiencing in the months prior to my collapse. Cutting a long story short I was confined to a wheelchair by the end of February 2012 and it turned out to be MS.

The complete change in how I lived my life flipped my whole world on its head with me trying to make sense of what had happened this is when the darkness began to creep in.

Everything was different, I tried to cope and remain strong for my Hubby and my girls burying my own fears, distresses and worries as I had always done. Determined to show them that all would be fine ......... I continued like this until September the same year.

Between  February and September we had an occupational therapist come out and help us arrange modifications that needed to be done to make our home wheelchair friendly and set up so I could maintain my independence and contractors come in and make a suitable entrance and exit including a ramped pathway for me and in September they began work on  making my kitchen

 

1) accessible as none of the doorways in my home are wide enough for a wheelchair to get through 

2) Wheelchair friendly

3) larger by removing 2 brick larder units

 

When this was all planned we were told it would take 2 weeks to complete so we arranged everything ready 2 weeks of living without a working kitchen meant a few meals at hubby's mum and dad's and a few takeaways as well as living around the few bits we needed from the kitchen in the living room  would be ok and rich booked in for his surgery the week after the kitchen done

 

well from day 1 of works things went badly wrong along with lots of other issues we had
some real stressors when
 

 they knocked down half of my living room wall by mistake

( I mean who can manage to knock a 900 wide floor to ceiling square hole in  a wall by accident ??)

 

then there was the gas leak ......

(not that any of them were qualified to work on gas pipes they still moved one)

Ceilings Falling down
(on the head of a worker the day after they plastered it?)

 

the blocking all access to the toilet while having no English speaking workers in the property .....

(try being sat in a chair with a full bladder from 8 am to 5pm while being very stressed)

 

 the walking of dog mess from the grass by the road all over my 16 yo daughters cream bedroom carpet

(not that they were ever given permission to go in bedrooms)

 

no kitchen drinking water for 8 weeks

( yes you read right 8 weeks)

 

no cooker for 9 weeks

(no I'm not kidding)

Countless errors that border on pure stupidity
(fitting cupboard doors behind poles so they cannot open, forgetting to securely fix a stud wall to its anchor which started to fall I too kitchen at me point )

During this time my stress levels hit an all time high and my GP upped my anti depression medication not asking me anything just by looking at the state I was in he just upped the pills and packed me on my way.
Now as much as this took the edge off my problems it didn't address them.

Trying to find the help we needed and still need as a family began piling on extra pressures to us all eventually one of my daughters kicked back and went off the rails a little doing things she knew wouldn't help her but it was a form of control. 

I could see why she did what she did but as a mother my worries for her were stronger than my understanding of her need to take some form of control even if it was of the things that may cause her issues down the line. Hubby and I explained and brought her back on track but her OTT displays of frustration  and temper took their toll on us and caused a knock on effect and then our youngest daughter followed down the same path and this is where we were until a few weeks back.

My mind has always gone to dark places but sometimes those dark places are more familiar and less scary than the world in which I live 

After what seems like an eternal fight against my own demons I changed GP's as my need for a doctor who listens and takes notice of what I tell him rather than on who tells me up your meds all will be well over rode my terrible fear of change and going through everything I'm my life with a complete stranger who no doubt will not give a toss anyway.

I was shocked when I had my nurse check as part of my health check apron joining when the nurse suggested that I speak to the GP soon as I was worried about skin changes where my breast surgery had been done a few years back (another long story ) something in the way she said it put me at ease So I booked an appointment for a few days time, this simple appointment was a turning point in what I see as 22 years of feeling I couldn't be helped. 

Since the issues with the kitchen I had been having daydreams which were just the same as my nightmares my stress levels were at an all time high I felt trapped and was still recovering from surgery when we changed doctors I was in pain with my MS arthritis and struggling to keep myself together let alone my family.

My eldest daughter attended the surgery with me that day but while I sat in the waiting room I felt a shift in my mood I NEEDED help I was GOING TO GET help. 

The GP came out to the waiting room to call me in and I said to my eldest stay there I can do this and she gave me the head cocked did she just say that look.

Yes I had I was going to go into a room on my own with a male I had never met before that moment and I wasn't grabbing for any female to come keep me safe from him I fact I was telling her to stay put and let me go in alone.

As I entered that room with him I buried the little girl in me and sat their bold and strong in my chair an adult protecting the child I am as well.

It was time to ask for help before I imploded unter it all before I knew it everything came out like a word waterfall prepared before I had not control of what I was I saying it all just spilled from me the dam had broken ................. I was broken the darkeness was winning I wanted it to end more than I wanted to fight, my body had taken control to save itself from my mind.

Before I could ask a box of tissues was on my lap and the doctor was listening and watching my I had stopped looking I was crying really sobbing the deep in the stomach sob that hurts as much physically as the pain you feel emotionally. I hadnt cried like that since I was a child I never cried it was a sign of weakness in my mind, a way to let him know he was winning I refused to let him see my pain then and as an adult I would never allow my pain to be seen by anyone that way no one would be able to used it against me as he had done throughout my childhood years.

No matter what I say at this point I don't think anyone who has never experienced the fear the pain and the eventual drop to the very bottom of what you can take will understand how very naked and vulnerable you are emotionally when that dam breaks especially with someone you have never met before that moment, but I feel it was that unfamiliarailty that gave me the chance to let it all out he didn't know the front I gave everyone he had no opinion of me to uphold nothing to compare the broken woman that sat before him too. 

As I calmed myself he sat still watching and verbally reassuring me he never reached out to touch not once which made me confidence in him he just spoke quietly and calmly reassuring me that I had done the right thing and that he was there to make sure I was going to get the help I needed. 

Once I had calmed he explained that my old GP had not helped me with my depression I needed counselling and to see a psychiatrist to re access my mental health but my depression etc was not being controlled by the medication i was on so it was time for a change which he done there and then explaining what to do and that I would feel different soon but he would refer me as urgent to the mental health team. And that he had already prepared a referral for my breast to the hospital as my history of problems in that area was not one to be messed with and the nurse had noted my comment and concern the week before on my medical notes. 

My confidence in this man had grown out of nowhere but the fact he had read my notes and was helping me before I had even asked for it my breakdown not ignored but also not used as a point of ridicule. 

I was on my way to recovery.........

Over the next 2 weeks I started to feel better not right not right by a long shot but I was going in the right direction. The mental health team were seing me soon and I had to go have a quick fix operation  on my recent surgery which wasn't healing well I knew things were wrong but I ignored it until it was too late I can never just ask for help.....

Meds can calm me but they can't stop ingrained actions thoughts and patterns of behaviour.

The op I was going to have was 2 days before my psychiatrist appointment I was determined to be there there was a high chance my operation was not going to go well my past had caused issues physically which were now causing my the problem I was experiencing now. 

This had a dark knock on effect to my mental state I was stuck between past present and future and had no control on what was going to happen. I was slipping quickly. 

The operation went fairly well and I left that hospital so quickly I am sure I was the patient from hell for the poor nurses that were trying to care for me I wanted out and I was going so I did. 

2 days later I sat waiting for my appointment with my mum and dad in law who know my struggles understand my dark thoughts and watch over me with love and understanding all the same. 

Mum came in with me to the appointment with the psychiatrist but I was already in a dark place I was in pain tired and already fighting my past and to be sat there infront of a strange man my barriers came up and I didn't fight them. 

I spoke and answered his questions unable to say what I felt doing the "talk" thus is what happened kinda thing hard to explain his 1st response was your under too much stress that is why your meds are helping you need to remove them and you need councelling 

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I know that but you don't know me !!! 

You don't know what's in my mind 

You don't know how bad it is 

Help me please 

I need help now

But the words never came out the barriers were up and I didn't know how to get it out I had failed

My 2nd daughter was on her pathway to mega melt down by this point my youngest following behind no 2 daughter has a pattern her outbursts start and they build day by day until we have 12-14 hours of pure hell with her and we were there the day after my appointment it hit and she went full throttle I watched and realised I was allowing her to follow in my footsteps building patterns of behaviour some good but it was the bad I needed to stop before she was sitting with me in darkness doubting herself at every point.

And that is how we got to Monday 1 month after my operation .........

I asked mum in law to go to the drs with daughter no 2 and explain to them what was happening if she began to clam up when she spoke herself I had spoken to my daughter she knew she needed help I explained that I was worried about her and was there for her no matter what my love for her and my other daughters is unconditional and she admitted she knew she knew she needed help but didn't want to admit it. I wanted to go with her myself but I was to poorly from my operation and post op complications and a nasty cold I had picked up as well.

I also needed to get myself sorted 

I had arranged for my support worker to visit so I could get her help to do this

This lady is my saviour my strength my light 

She gives me confidence 

A faith that things will improve.

I told her my problems with my psychiatrist appt and worry I needed help now 

The darkness was swallowing me 

During the day I am never left alone but at night when I dream and wake my darkness and I are alone 

I worry I will not fight it 

My lovely support worker understands she rings and fixes the problem and a new appointment made with a lady psychiatrist who understands the problems I have.

My daughter has been referred to councelling to help her talk 

 

That was a week ago today I feel Mondays are a day for mental health as I today I arranged for my youngest to get the help she needs to channel her frustration before it becomes a bigger problem.

There is no shame in having mental health issues 

Ask for help when you need it

Support those that have asked for help 

It's not contagious 

We are people the same person you knew or know a diagnosis doesn't make us a different person

Believe in yourself 

a kind word or action can save a life 

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF IT MAY BE THE 1ST STEP TO FEELING BETTER 

Love Kayla xxx