Well as you have probably noticed I have been a tad
quiet of late.....
The simple answer to my disappearance ill health
and a shit storm in my mind !
I like so many have watched all the adverts
promoting that Mental Illness is like any other illness-
Breaking the social taboo and stigma that it has
had for many many years.
I however do not think that adverts and the like
have made things any easier for those suffering from mental health issues
in all its many forms and variations.
Like all other health problems it has its cause be
it chemical or physical
but unlike many other health issues its not
contagious, it has no cure, it can change how it presents itself, most of
the time you are unaware of the fact that you actually have a problem until
someone else points it out to you or you end up doing something you may not
live to regret.
Depression
PTSD
Addictions
Personality Disorders
Fears and Phobias
Stress and Anxiety
Compulsions
are to name but a few mental Health issues and
Illnesses.
Each and every form of mental health issue is dealt
with in a separate way
and should be based on how the person reacts/copes
with the treatment.
My own experiences and history have taught me that
many doctors will try
to treat people just as the text book tells them
too but there are many factors that they neglect to take into account.
This then creates future problems and issues which
then in turn triggers other issues and so on and so forth.
The worrying part is that getting the true help
required is never as easy as it seems!
Many people go to the doctor and try to get the
help they need at the early stages only to find themselves handed a
prescription for some pills and the promise of some counselling and
physiological evaluation, this is where I think the system goes wrong the
Mental Health Teams have suffered many cuts and cant cope with the volume
of referrals that they receive.
Some referrals get lost in the system many people
are turned down as they do not meet the criteria needed to be seen as the
boxes ticked by the GP do not match their high risk criteria, and the
lucky few who make it through wait months to get their initial
appointment
Unless the GP has ticked the right boxes and make
the right comments on the referral form to get them seen as a priority, but
even then they can wait up to 3 months to be seen.
It seems to my eyes unless you have caused harm or
are likely to cause harm to yourself or others you will have to wait a
long time to be seen to get a simple assessment of your needs.
Once your needs are assessed you will be advised to
see your GP to either change your meds, up or lower them or maintain contact in
case anything changes while they send a letter detailing their findings and
action plan to the GP knowing that this will take 6 week or more to appear and
they will put you on the waiting list to see the appropriate team psychiatrist,
psychotherapist, counsellor etc etc which will be another long wait for you.
In the mean time people pop the pills the GP has
given them in the hope that things improve…
This is the point that we have to worry as things
can go many ways for people some feel better and just continue to take the meds
and things improve and they fall through the system others find the pills don't
help so return to the GP and get stronger and stronger drugs to help them get
through the day often self medicating with other over the counter meds alcohol
or recreational drugs which as I have already said cause other mental health
issues. For others they find the meds don't help and just stop taking them
loosing faith in the doctors, the medications and system, this can end up with
them finding other ways to dull the pain or spiralling into a deep dark place
where they end up causing harm to themselves or others.
SO WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ME
???
In simple terms I have been fighting to get my
issues under control since I was a teenager, and have been on antidepressants
since I was 17 I have taken many kinds and combinations increased and decreased
strengths had counselling, been threatened, had good advice and bad tried
various treatments from hypnotherapy to relaxation classes and self defence
lessons as well as finding people I know I can talk to openly and safely
without fear or retribution and devising coping mechanisms to help me through
the bad days, but yet I'm back in the system playing silly bollocks trying to
get seen even though they know my history etc! I know I have to chase them to
get seen I have been here many times before, further adding to my stress and
problems.
When I know I am slipping or am told I am slipping
I always go straight to the GP and they always up or change my meds to keep me
"stable" (wish they could do the same for my legs) referrals are made
and the waiting begins.
This time round I knew that being awake days on end
without sleep was a good sign that my problems were back in full force
not that I ever am without my problems I just cope but I have found ways to
cope day to day with the help of my medications.
I spoke to my GP back in April and started the ball
rolling and here we are nearly at the end of November and I know I am falling
deeper and deeper chasing for appointments on good days fighting my demons on
the others its exhausting!
As the problems escalate the darkness deepens and I
end up taking stronger pills which lift me a little but not enough to help
really.
My last visit to the GP was to say worrying he is
now scared of where I am heading and in the same breath worried about raising
my medication or changing over yet again.
It’s hard to explain to people that don’t
understand why people like myself and many others cannot cope with the problems
life throws at them.
In my case it is the long history of abuse that I
suffered that makes me drop any stressful situation triggers the darkness and
the grip I have on my coping mechanisms, my PTSD is bad enough on what I would
call a normal day I re-live my past in vivid detail when I sleep and when I
allow my mind to wander or certain programs come to close to my own past. When
I overly stressed or my depression is at a down point I know I experience more
triggers my fear of people seeing me as I once was, every male is out to cause
me pain every moment that I re-live is no longer a vivid memory but more like a
moment re-enacted I feel I taste I smell what I went through the same emotions
are present in all ways the once were. This causes distress for all those
around me making me feel worse.
I just hope that one day these problems will leave
me and I will be able to live a life without my fears and the darkness but
until I get the help that I need I am lost in an ever decreasing circle of
fear. My family are the only ones keeping me from going under and give me the
reason I keep fighting.
Not everyone is the same or will agree with me but
this is how my life is and has been a continual shit storm in my mind that I
fight daily along with all the other challenges that life throws at us all.
But Christmas is a time for miracles I hope that
mine will be a resolution to some of the problems that drag me down and that my
family enjoy the season of good will.
xxxxxxxxxx
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